I Didn’t Get All Dressed up for Nothin’…

Dedicated to Keren Bogaczyk for finally breaking my writer's block... And on to the show...

Do you know what really grinds my gears America? I’ll tell you what really grinds my gears… annoying and/or stupid people. You really will hear me saying, quite often I might add, I hate stupid people. Not even like “book” stupid people because what you might be lacking in book smarts, you might know in “street” smarts. That’s okay. But here’s what I’m talking about…

Those people who talk constantly and who talk to hear their own voice. It’s like, thanks for wasting the last 20 seconds of my life. I now want to smack you so that you lose 20 seconds of your life. You have no point. You make no sense. Just stop talking.

Those people that constantly complain about things that they could easily fix, but don’t do anything about it. Venting is one thing. Being a constant pain in my ass is totally different.

Smart people who pretend to be stupid. Really?! Are you five? Do you think that’s attractive? What makes you think that having a more intelligent conversation with a wall than you is a positive thing? And you know what, that can go either way… stupid people who try to be smart really grind my gears as well.

People who leave about 5 cars’ length in front of them while driving or stopped at a light. And for that matter, people who let car after car after car in front of them and then YOU’RE the one to get stuck at a red light.

Steelers fans. That’s all I need to say about that.

But do you know those people that really irk me more than any other type that I’ve already mentioned?! The people who get DRESSED UP to go to the gym! Congratulations, you have achieved the crown for queen of the stupid people. Give yourself a pat on the back. I just want to yell in their face, "HELLOOOOO, YOU’RE WORKING OUT!" Granted, I do go to a gym in Beverly Hills, and I shouldn’t expect less, but come on now. You’re there to run or do some other form of cardio or to lift or something. This is NOT fashion show. I repeat… this is NOT a fashion show.

You know how in movies, they always show girls playing sports with their hair down? Seeing girls who are dressed up at the gym is like that. It’s just wrong. And I can tell you (along with any other girl that has played a competitive sport), as an ex-soccer player, no girl runs around on the field chasing a ball with their hair down. It’s not feasible. You would think that movie directors would catch on to this nonsense and learn to be a BIT more realistic and show these players with their hair pulled back into a pony tail. I mean hell, if you want them to look cute, put their hair in French braid pig tails and ribbons. That’s what I used to do in 6^th Grade. (It was the cool thing to do back then, don’t judge.)

For a perfect example to this article, as I was working out on Saturday, I saw a girl on the elliptical, probably moving as fast as my dimentiated grandmother would on a treadmill. Her ridiculously long hair was just chillin; no pony tail, no headband, no nothing. She looked like she just walked in off the street, with make-up caked on like whoa times ten and eye make-up darker than anything I would even wear. She was sporting tight black spandex and a cropped, blue spandex top. I don’t think she even broke a sweat. But don’t worry; she was scanning the gym for her future husband like a hawk stalks down its prey.

Let me tell you, when I walk into the gym, I am usually wearing boy's lacrosse shorts and a white Hanes t-shirt (occasionally if I AM feeling fancy, I’ll throw on an Under Armour shirt). Not to mention the fact that I have a ridiculously huge, bulky black knee brace I have to wear. Make-up is washed off. Hair is back in a bun with a hair band wrapped around my entire head to keep all the loose strands back. If you want to talk about the total opposite of cute, that’s it… right there. But hey, I’m there to break a sweat and work out some frustration. It’s only a gym, who would have thought… people, working out? Crazy notion I tell you. So as I conclude this article, I have one plea for all of you... if you want to dress to impress, go somewhere else where people actually care what you look like. If you have resorted to playing your tricks at a gym, congratulations… you have officially hit rock bottom. Oh, and your ridiculousness is not wanted at MY gym! Thank you and good night.

Lions and Tigers and Bears... I Don't Think So...

Dedicated to all of my fellow Twi-hards and fans of True Blood. Enjoy!

P.S. If you don’t know what’s going to happen with the Twilight books and want to find out by reading the books, then don’t read this post yet. It will spoil the last couple of parts… And now, on to the show…

“Lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!” That is classic line from The Wizard of Oz. But come on now, lions and tigers and bears? How 1939! (P.S. In case you didn’t know, that’s when The Wizard of Oz was released.) Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get caught up with this decade; it’s time to get caught up with what really tickles our fancy these days… “Werewolves and vampires and fairies, OH MY!”

If you know me at all, you knew this article was inevitable, and you know my small obsession for vampires (and creatures of the like). As a fact about me, I read Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn in less than seven days. I had to come home from work during my lunch break to find out how Bella and Edward were going to escape the Volturi in Italy. I attempted to go out on the weekends, but how could I get shwasted-face when Bella was being chased down by evil, revenge-seeking vampires and then when she had to choose between her hunky, smart, eloquent vampire and her rustic, down-to-earth, extremely toned, way too young werewolf? How could I live in my own boring and lackluster life when Bella and Edward were on Esme’s Island “doing things?” Lastly, how could I sleep when Bella and Edward had a half vampire, half human child that Jacob had imprinted on and vampire royalty was coming to destroy her? I mean I have to ask you again… HOW?! How is it possible?!

Needless to say, I was a fanatic, but based on discussions with my other girl friends, I wasn’t the only one. 80% of the girls I knew were hooked. Since my friend Michelle knew I couldn’t get enough, she introduced me to The Sookie Stackhouse novels. Another nine books conquered in less than two weeks. I delved further into this black hole of science fiction, hoping of the slight chance this fantasy could come true. So I have to wonder, with hundreds of thousands of other people out there with the same addiction as me, is the werewolf, vampire, and fairy fad here to stay?

You have to admit, since 2008, movies about vampires and other supernatural creatures have been overtaking the big screens as well as home theatres. Let me list a few…

• Twilight (movie)
• New Moon (movie)
• True Blood (tv series)
• Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (movie)
• The Vampire Diaries (tv series)
• The Vampire’s Assistant: Cirque du Freak (movie)
• Daybreakers (movie)

Yes, there’s more, but in an effort to keep this article fewer than two pages, I’m going to stop. Don’t worry the list for upcoming vampire movies for the rest of 2010 and beyond is just as long, if not longer.

So what do you think? Vampires and the like are here to stay or their future is as sure to fading as a vampire is to combust in the sunlight? I think it’s a two-sided answer. Movies like Twilight and series like True Blood will last for much longer because they already have a cult-like following. Twi-hards would rather die before getting the opportunity to see the fourth book on the big screen. And True Blood has the perks of appealing to both guys and girls, and as long as they stick closely enough to the books, it only gets more exciting. On the other hand, new movies with no foundation already instilled on their target audience are doomed for failure. Either the plot lines are going to be too far off of what people really want to watch (i.e. The Vampires Assistant, which according to IMDB was budgeted at an estimated $40M and only made $6M in the States) or they’re going to be too closely related to the already big-time vampire stories and be called knock-offs. And really, who wants to be a fan of a knock-off instead of the real thing? I mean come on now, that’s like preferring regular, off-the-street white trash over the cast of The Jersey Shore. Now really, who wants that?

I’m very much looking forward to the release of Eclipse (which btw, definitely watched that trailer enough times to single-handedly collapse the Internet) and Breaking Dawn (2011 can’t come soon enough) and the remaining seasons of True Blood (let’s see if you can make it all the way to Season 10 because my heart will definitely break if you don’t). But for the rest of these vampire movies coming out, trying to be the next hot thing, do what the vampires do: dig a grave for yourself and disappear into the night because your future is as doomed as driving a Toyota Prius (wait… too soon?).

"Inside Spoon with the Best BF Ever! Love my Life!"

Dedicated to my old roomie and one of my best friends. MISS YOU!

Disclaimer: Some of you might take offense by what is written. It’s not personal. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Dislcaimer 2: If you haven't seen March 8's GG yet, skip the first paragraph.

Monday night, WAHOO! The return of Gossip Girl to the CW.

As I was watching this much anticipated drama-filled entertainment masterpiece, I hushed my boy roommate who was coming downstairs so that I wouldn’t lose concentration on the detailed story line of Serena and Nate getting bad advice from both of their friends, in which Nate uninvited Serena from the French Ambassador’s dinner, and then in retaliation, Serena invited herself to the dinner with Damien, who is an intercontinental drug dealer and has brought little innocent Jenny into the mix, well maybe not quite so innocent as she was there to go to the dinner with Nate who showed solo to keep playing hard to get with Serena, but don’t worry, Nate and Serena ended up making up and then hooking up in the coat room. HOTT!! (Notice the 2 t’s.)

I look back at all of the television shows that I watch (and trust me, there’s a crap ton), and I can tell you one common theme amongst all of them: relationships. Whether or not they are between a guy and a girl, or a guy and a guy, or a girl and a girl, relationships are plastered everywhere. For instance, look at Nate and Serena and Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl. Cappy and Casey and Grant and Calvin from Greek. Even on crime shows, there’s the whole Callie and Delko relationship from CSI:Miami. Everywhere, every channel we turn to, there it is, right in front of us (literally)… relationships!

Obviously relationships are a part of reality as well. If you’re not in a relationship yourself, then you know someone who is, whether or not you really actually know that person. “What's she talking about?” you must be thinking to yourself. Well, due to the advancement in technology and social networking, we, innocent bystanders, are subjected to the extremely detailed aspects of a person-in-a-relationship’s day. I have just one question for everyone, DO WE REALLY CARE?!?! Do we care if a certain somebody is going couch shopping to pick out that perfect “L-shaped” sectional in that perfect color of chocolate to match the sea-foam colored walls and beige carpets with her super sweet and loving and perfect boyfriend? If we didn’t know that, would our day be ruined? Are we planning on meeting this couple out to help them with their super important “things to do” list? Perhaps, we could offer words of encouragement, such as, YOU CAN DO IT! GO GET THAT COUCH! Cheer them on, and give them that extra push they’ve needed all day long.

In an effort to not solely pick on that one FB status, I have decided to include a few more in here (anonymously, of course), but feel free to scroll down if you feel the urge to vomit all of a sudden.

“Dreamy night with the boy.”

“Waiting for my fabulous dinner to be made by the best BF ever! Love you!”

Girl Wall Post: HI!

Boy Wall Post: HI!

Girl Wall Post: Miss you!

Boy Wall Post: Miss you more!

Girl Wall Post: See you tonight!

Boy Wall Post: Can’t wait!

That just doesn’t even justify a response from me.

"I'm looking forward to our plans tonight. I miss you and can't wait to see you in just a few short hours!"

I’m almost speechless when I read/see crap like that every day, but as you can tell, I’m not totally speechless about it. Let me think of a few words that come to mind: annoying, overly excessive, trying too hard… the list will go on for miles… and miles… and miles. But I’ll spare you the agonizing pain of mentally reliving moments like that. Call me a hater or a skeptic... you’re probably right, but I will tell you one thing, even regular people, people in healthy, normal relationships and other single, optimistic, glass-is-half-full type people find these things to be above and beyond. We are laughing AT you my friend.

I’ve been witness to several types of relationships in my life: some doomed from the start, some starting out from friendships, some starting out from dating websites, some that you never thought would have made it and against all odds, this couple has lasted. Despite how a couple started off, where does the line begin for your own life and your life with your significant other? Growing up, people used to say, “bros before hoes” and “chicks before dicks.” Ultimately, the point coming across both of those messages is, friends first. I’m not saying this is true or played out in real life because I will be the first to tell you when it comes down to it, that statement is lost in translation, but keep in mind, your friends give you your own life, something else to look forward to in your day, other than just spending time with your significant other. Where along the lines do you lose yourself? Some of the people I used to be friends with (key words there are “used to be”) were amazing people. They were smart and loyal and above everything else, always there when a friend was in need. But since those days, they’ve moved on with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and seem to have misplaced that group they once called friends. I don’t see how it’s possible for an individual’s life to be based solely on his or her significant other. When something goes awry in a relationship or God forbid, something happens in your family and you need someone to turn to other than your other half, where are you friends? Those friends that you have spent so much time alienating and distancing yourself from? Perhaps these kid’s are better people than I and no matter how you treat them, they’ll always be there for you, but how is that fair? I just want to know. Maybe it’s a growth thing, something that happens in time with relationships, but finding that balance between friends and boy/girlfriend is a necessity. Girls night. Boys night. Keep in touch with those that love you and have spent so much time getting to know your perfections and imperfections, but still love you anyway. Have something to look forward to other than couch shopping. This is someone speaking from the perspective of an outsider, someone who has lost friendships because of situations like this. I hate to see friendships end because the balance is tipped in favor of the significant other. If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times, if I ever start acting as if my life isn’t my own, run me over with a car because I need the sense knocked into me and the stupidity knocked out of me.

It's Not White... It's Not Black... It's All GREY...

The Oscars, Hollywood’s most anticipated celebration, has come and gone. The red carpet. The dresses. The tuxes. The jewelry. The celebrities. The prestige. The talent. First off, I would like to say congratulations to the nominees and the winners. They were all much deserved. P.S. Sandra Bullock, you looked phenomenal. That dress was absolutely gorgeous on you. P.P.S. Kathryn Bigelow, I am so stoked that you won both for Best Director and Motion Picture. You deserved it all. That movie was beyond words. And did you and James Cameron like make a bet before hand on who would win? Take score on all of the victories? I would have, just to rub it in. But really, congrats!

Anyway, as I was watching some of the cast and crew of The Hurt Locker take stage on this much-looked-forward-to night, I saw something. It was a twinkle of light in the eyes of Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, and Brian Geraghty. This could perhaps be the fact that a movie they all starred in has just won the esteemed Oscar award; however, I think it was something else. I think it was something more powerful and more exciting. I think that it was the amount of fun to be looked forward to at the Oscar after parties.

Oh celebrity parties. I have never been to one, nor do I expect to ever go to one (despite how much I hope and pray), but after having this thought come across my mind, I began to wonder, why isn’t it politically and/or socially correct for celebrities to just get super drunk sometimes? I feel like we, outsiders looking in, tend to judge those in this spotlight for letting loose and putting down those guards, which were put up for us in the first place. Take Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton for instance. I just want to ask you, what were you doing when you were between the ages of 21 and 28? I mean we shouldn’t be blacked-out all of the time (if so, there might be a problem), but an occasional “grey-out” I think is totally acceptable. My friend Ashlyn likes to use this term for those nights where the entire night isn’t blank, but there are certain parts where a good friend might have to fill you in, and whether or not you actually want to hear those grey moments is a completely different story.

I look back at my high school days, my college days, and well… my post-graduate days, and my friends and I knew how to party and knew how to rally. Yes as we got older, those days were limited in number, but what group of friends has 2 keggers in their freshman-year dorms just because? Who organizes a 64-team beer bong tournament for March Madness? What friend can single-handedly create an Oktoberfest and a Beerfest party with games, trophies, and souvenirs? No one cared what were doing or how old we were when we were drinking, so why care what these people are doing? Being the occasional reckless drunk person is a part of growing up. I’m sure many of us could come up with life-long valuable lessons from drunk nights. For instance, just because he’s cute after a few drinks doesn’t mean he’s actually cute. Boys, especially, should go to the bathroom at least three times before actually getting in bed. No matter how good of a reason, NEVER steal your friends’ car keys to go to campus to hook up with a freshman. For those of us that do opt to drink, I don’t think that there is one person who hasn’t had a night like this; whether it be last night or seven years ago, we have all been there my friend. Yesiree, we have.

So again, why do we tend to criticize those in the public limelight that do this occasionally? I think it’s totally acceptable. I think it humanizes celebrities. The celebs are the ones with enough money to go out every night, get tables, and multiple top shelf bottles (another luxury some of us normal peeps don’t have), and yet, they remained somewhat constrained in this box because of us. We, normal, poor people, sacrifice other necessities (oh you know, just little things like food, gas, clothes, etc.) in order to enjoy a good night out with friends. I do hope to see pictures of the winners and noms drunk from Oscar night. Whether it be at the Vanity Fair Party or Elton John’s Viewing Party or another private party, I hope these celebrities show us that they know how to party. We all know they can act. That’s what makes them famous. But, everyone always needs a reality check to remember that these famous people are also just people. Please, I beg of you, get greyed out. Have a friend tell you a story that you don’t remember. You’re famous. You’re doing something that most normal people would love to be doing, mingling amongst all of you, all glam’d up and enjoying the night. Most of you probably aren’t working on Monday, so become one with the night. Take massive amounts of shots with the top shelf liquor. Have drunk munchies of pizza and ramen noodles. Sleep in so the hangover isn’t so bad. Be a normal person every so often. Make stupid mistakes. Wake up and wonder “WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?” It’s all about of being young and making memories, whether they’re crystal clear, greyed out, or just blacked out.

SOUL PATCHES – RIGHT FOR SOME OR WRONG FOR ALL? The Effect of Soul Patches on a 20-Something Woman

Dedicated to Christine Werthman...

The 2010 Olympics were probably the first Olympics that I was truly dedicated to watching since I was about ten-years-old. I’m twenty-five now. Something has definitely happened between then and now to make millions and millions of people tune into the bobsledding, snowboarding, figure skating, skiing, and hockey antics. I can tell you, that personally, I was most excited about Shaun White. What an incredible athlete and the McTwist was just phenomenal! And then, of course, was all the hype with Lindsey Vonn, so I got sucked into watching her succeed and fail in downhill skiing. The last thing that I thought I would be watching was speed skating. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a competitive sport and all, but it just didn’t do anything for me. That is, until I got to watching Apolo Ohno.

At first glance, there was nothing about Apolo Ohno that struck me as a guy I would find attractive. And then I did a double take. It was like a beam of light catching glass. You know what I’m talking about, that little glimmer which has a way to attract your eye. And with that second glance, it hit me like a mack truck. There it was… this strange patch of hair underneath his bottom lip. What was this collection of facial hair that seemed so rare to me? It wasn’t a goatee. It wasn’t a chin strap. No mustache or beard of any sorts. What was it? Finally, after some thorough research and discussion with my fellow journalist, we determined that it was what the general population called a “soul patch.”

The trusty-dusty Wikipedia has defined “soul patch” as “a small patch of facial hair just below the lower lip and above the chin.” I think all of you ladies know what I’m talking about now. You probably have stared at one for a few minutes, hoping that the guy hasn’t noticed you looking at his chin. (In all respects though, if men are allowed to stare at our chests, then we are allowed to stare at their odd facial features). Despite your personal feelings for these “soul patches,” you have to admit, they draw you in. It’s like staring at those “3-D” books, where you have to keep staring and go into a daze until you see the true picture clearly. Whether or not you absolutely despise them or think it adds character to a face or just overall are a fan (there’s probably not too many of those types out there), there’s something about them that just makes you want to gaze some more.

Thankfully for Apolo, that soul patch made me look back at him and realize, wow, you really are a hot, good looking guy, even with that small mane of hair on your face. I’ll give it to you, though, you can rock it, and to be honest, I don’t know what’s a more distinguishing feature about you: the soul patch or the blue and red bandanas that you always seem to be wearing. (Side note: Do you like flip a coin every morning to figure out which one to wear or does it depend on the entire ensemble you have going on? Just curious.) So after I realized I had become completely attracted to this guy, I joined the masses and watched him throughout the Olympics, while he won a few more medals to add to his collection and watched him get DQ’d after a cheap call by the Canadian ref.

After this quick transformation of my feelings towards Apolo, I began to think, “could all soul patches have this effect on women my age?!” Was this really possible? Did soul patches have that strong of an effect on people? Based on what you could call research, I’m going to say no. Many of my girl friends seem to look at me with a “you-are-the-most-bizzaro-nutso-girl-we-know” look when I mention my new found love for Apolo. I decided to check out more modern celebs with soul patches to see how I felt. Here’s what I found:

Zac Efron – Stay away. Your soul patch is a little dinky, and probably should be shaved as soon as possible. Spare your fans and the papz. No one wants to see you like that.

Colin Farrell – You’re a badass and can probably rock anything on your face. One, because you won’t care what anyone says and two, you have that hot, scruffy look going on in which the soul patch and the mustache look pretty damn good together.

Howie Mandell – No offense, you’re kinda creepy-looking to begin with. And the soul patch just enhances that creepiness like whoa times ten. I would highly recommend to sticking with the main idea, and going bald, everywhere on your face.

Kevin Costner – Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t hate it, but at the same time I don’t love it. You’re a good-looking older guy with or without the soul patch.

Bill Ray Cyrus – I think you, my friend, give soul patches the bad connotation that is associated with them. You kind of are a country bumpkin and sporting the soul patch makes us think that they are relatively trashy and totes out-dated. It’s about time to try a new look. It’s definitely on the outs with you.

Spencer Pratt – You are a douchebag. You need to do something with your life. On The Hills, I never see you working, which means you have more than enough time to shave that pitiful soul patch of yours off your already annoying face. Think of it as a cleansing process, physically and mentally. Start anew.

Johnny Depp – Ohhh, Mr. Depp, you can most certainly rock the soul patch. You could rock anything for that matter.

After all is said and done, I am going to go out in a limb, and say that about 70% of those that have soul patches should just take a brown paper bag and put it over their heads. Keep it there until some common sense has been knocked into your head and you decide to take a razor to the face. Now, for those select 30% of you that can rock the soul patches, just keep in mind, that if you look good in a misplaced mustache, imagine how glorious you would look without it. I’m just saying…