The 2010 Olympics were probably the first Olympics that I was truly dedicated to watching since I was about ten-years-old. I’m twenty-five now. Something has definitely happened between then and now to make millions and millions of people tune into the bobsledding, snowboarding, figure skating, skiing, and hockey antics. I can tell you, that personally, I was most excited about Shaun White. What an incredible athlete and the McTwist was just phenomenal! And then, of course, was all the hype with Lindsey Vonn, so I got sucked into watching her succeed and fail in downhill skiing. The last thing that I thought I would be watching was speed skating. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a competitive sport and all, but it just didn’t do anything for me. That is, until I got to watching Apolo Ohno.
At first glance, there was nothing about Apolo Ohno that struck me as a guy I would find attractive. And then I did a double take. It was like a beam of light catching glass. You know what I’m talking about, that little glimmer which has a way to attract your eye. And with that second glance, it hit me like a mack truck. There it was… this strange patch of hair underneath his bottom lip. What was this collection of facial hair that seemed so rare to me? It wasn’t a goatee. It wasn’t a chin strap. No mustache or beard of any sorts. What was it? Finally, after some thorough research and discussion with my fellow journalist, we determined that it was what the general population called a “soul patch.”
The trusty-dusty Wikipedia has defined “soul patch” as “a small patch of facial hair just below the lower lip and above the chin.” I think all of you ladies know what I’m talking about now. You probably have stared at one for a few minutes, hoping that the guy hasn’t noticed you looking at his chin. (In all respects though, if men are allowed to stare at our chests, then we are allowed to stare at their odd facial features). Despite your personal feelings for these “soul patches,” you have to admit, they draw you in. It’s like staring at those “3-D” books, where you have to keep staring and go into a daze until you see the true picture clearly. Whether or not you absolutely despise them or think it adds character to a face or just overall are a fan (there’s probably not too many of those types out there), there’s something about them that just makes you want to gaze some more.
Thankfully for Apolo, that soul patch made me look back at him and realize, wow, you really are a hot, good looking guy, even with that small mane of hair on your face. I’ll give it to you, though, you can rock it, and to be honest, I don’t know what’s a more distinguishing feature about you: the soul patch or the blue and red bandanas that you always seem to be wearing. (Side note: Do you like flip a coin every morning to figure out which one to wear or does it depend on the entire ensemble you have going on? Just curious.) So after I realized I had become completely attracted to this guy, I joined the masses and watched him throughout the Olympics, while he won a few more medals to add to his collection and watched him get DQ’d after a cheap call by the Canadian ref.
After this quick transformation of my feelings towards Apolo, I began to think, “could all soul patches have this effect on women my age?!” Was this really possible? Did soul patches have that strong of an effect on people? Based on what you could call research, I’m going to say no. Many of my girl friends seem to look at me with a “you-are-the-most-bizzaro-nutso-girl-we-know” look when I mention my new found love for Apolo. I decided to check out more modern celebs with soul patches to see how I felt. Here’s what I found:
Zac Efron – Stay away. Your soul patch is a little dinky, and probably should be shaved as soon as possible. Spare your fans and the papz. No one wants to see you like that.
Colin Farrell – You’re a badass and can probably rock anything on your face. One, because you won’t care what anyone says and two, you have that hot, scruffy look going on in which the soul patch and the mustache look pretty damn good together.
Howie Mandell – No offense, you’re kinda creepy-looking to begin with. And the soul patch just enhances that creepiness like whoa times ten. I would highly recommend to sticking with the main idea, and going bald, everywhere on your face.
Kevin Costner – Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t hate it, but at the same time I don’t love it. You’re a good-looking older guy with or without the soul patch.
Bill Ray Cyrus – I think you, my friend, give soul patches the bad connotation that is associated with them. You kind of are a country bumpkin and sporting the soul patch makes us think that they are relatively trashy and totes out-dated. It’s about time to try a new look. It’s definitely on the outs with you.
Spencer Pratt – You are a douchebag. You need to do something with your life. On The Hills, I never see you working, which means you have more than enough time to shave that pitiful soul patch of yours off your already annoying face. Think of it as a cleansing process, physically and mentally. Start anew.
Johnny Depp – Ohhh, Mr. Depp, you can most certainly rock the soul patch. You could rock anything for that matter.
After all is said and done, I am going to go out in a limb, and say that about 70% of those that have soul patches should just take a brown paper bag and put it over their heads. Keep it there until some common sense has been knocked into your head and you decide to take a razor to the face. Now, for those select 30% of you that can rock the soul patches, just keep in mind, that if you look good in a misplaced mustache, imagine how glorious you would look without it. I’m just saying…
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